Desperation
by Piper21392
Summary: Elliot has to choose between two possibilities to save Olivia's and his own life.   Possibility 1: Watching Olivia being raped.  Possibility 2: Forcing himself on her.  What will he do?  Strong M Rating it's getting very dark and violent.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

He woke up and at first he wasn't quite sure why. The doorbell was ringing and, although he knew it wasn't possible, it sounded angry.

He pushed himself out of the bed to walk to the first floor. The ringing and knocking at the door became more desperate and he wondered what was so urgent.

He took a look through the door viewer and opened the door to let Elliot into his house.

"Elliot what happened?"

"I'm sorry for bothering you so late, but I need to talk!"

"George, is everything alright?" George hadn't realized that Mark had woken up too and had come down to see what was going on.

"Yes, Mark. Everything is alright; this is a colleague of mine. Go back to bed." He turned around and looked into Mark's face to assure him that everything was alright.

Elliot tried to calm himself down and nodded into the direction of the unfamiliar man; he knew that George was gay but he had never met his partner.

Mark went back upstairs after checking Elliot out. He gazed at George in a look that said more than thousand words. Elliot was absolutely sure that Mark was waiting upstairs listening carefully to be sure that everything was really alright.

George directed Elliot out of the hall and into his office. It was a nice, comfortable room lined with all sorts of books, not just psychiatric manuals. There was a desk in front of the window and two armchairs with a small table. George invited him to sit down but he couldn't sit, so he walked to the bookshelf and pretended to read the titles.

"Elliot, what happened?" George asked.

"I'm sorry that I disturbed you in the middle of the night."

"That's okay, Elliot."

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I came here. I should go."

"Elliot, it's your own decision what you do or not do, but driving through the whole city in the middle of the night seems as if you really needed to talk to someone. I'm here to listen. I'm pretty good at that. I do that for a living, you know?" He tried to get Elliot to talk; at 3 o'clock in the morning his creative side wasn't quite as awake as his body.

"I dreamed of her!" Elliot exclaimed.

"Of who?" George inquired. Elliot turned around and rolled his eyes. George realized who he was referring to."Okay you dreamed of Olivia. Elliot, to be honest, with the amount of time you spend together, I would think it odd if you didn't dream of her from time to time."

"I'm not stupid, George, and I have worked sex crimes for a long time. I know what's normal and what's not. Olivia is a beautiful woman and I know it's normal to fantasize about her.

"So what's different this time?"

"The way I dreamed of her." Elliot walked to the desk and starred out of the window.

"Was it sexual?"

Elliot started to laugh loud; he turned around and looked at George, amused. "It's always sexual when I dream about her, well, the most of the time."

George smiled too. "So, what was different this time, what concerns you so much?"

Elliot's smile faded. "I dreamed that I raped her."

"Well, I understand that this is confusing. But Elliot, thinking of what you see every day during your job, it's not unusual that your brain projects the things you see into your dreams and replaces the 'real people' with people who are familiar. It's a self protection mechanism of the brain. Your mind tries to heal itself. It does not mean that you really want to rape Olivia."

"No, you don't understand!" Elliot slapped his hand against the wall in frustration.

"What do I not understand? Explain it to me, Elliot."

"I can't. I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone." Elliot felt so tired; the last few weeks he had been angry the whole time and he was more aggressive than usual. He pushed the perps around and he felt like he couldn't do his job properly any longer. He had even yelled at a seven year-old boy who refused to talk to them after they interviewed him for 3 hours. And this little boy wasn't even the perp of the case, he was the victim. He was sexually abused by his stepfather.

After that, Elliot was scared of himself and he took three days off. It didn't help.

"You promised _who_ not to tell _what_? Elliot, do you recognize that you sound like a victim – how often have you heard from a victim that they promised someone not to talk about the abuse?"

Elliot turned around and leaned at the desk to support his weak body. He looked at George and said:, "About a million times."

George was nodding. I recognized that something was bothering you, but I didn't understand how bad you felt the last weeks_._ "Elliot, tell me what happened. I can help you."

Tears started to run down Elliot's cheeks and he slowly slid down the desk until he was sitting on the floor. He supported his head with his hands. "I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone!"

George walked to Elliot and knelt next to him. He laid a supportive hand on Elliot's shoulder. "What happened, Elliot?"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"It was 4 weeks ago," Elliot began. "We were working the Taylor case. Stephanie Taylor had been raped and tortured. We found two DNA samples on her. She told us that she was on the way home from a business dinner, when she was knocked down from behind. When she woke up she was in a basement, there were two men with masks and they raped her, one after another, the whole night. They burned her with cigarettes, forced her two have oral sex with them and they sodomized her. We had no leads, 'cause the DNA samples didn't pop. But we were sure that there would be more victims soon. We went to question her apartment manager, we were desperate and we thought that he might have seen someone suspicious near the building.

Elliot paused before continuing. "Olivia was questioning him and I left to visit the toilette. When I came back I saw Olivia laying on the floor unconscious, when I realized what was happening it was already too late. I felt a hard knock and everything went black. When I woke up I was cuffed to a pipe. We were in the basement which Stephanie Taylor described to us."

Elliot stopped talking and was breathing hard. George placed himself next to Elliot on the floor. "Elliot, until now I thought there were no new leads in the Taylor case," George said inquisitively.

Elliot looked weary and unbelievably sad at George. "I told you, I promised her not to tell anyone what happened!"

"Elliot you have to tell me, 'cause I'm afraid that you are not the only one who needs help right now.

Elliot swallowed and started talking again. "I looked around and I saw Olivia, she was cuffed too. Two men were there, they had ski-masks on. They were discussing something, but I couldn't hear what they were saying. Olivia was waking up too and when she realized the situation, she stared at me and I could see the panic in her eyes. They recognized that we were awake and they came over. One of them started to speak; he said that we had been too curious. He said they were not too mad at us for the curiosity because now it would be their pleasure."

"The other one knelt down and started to stroke Olivia's face. I screamed at him to stop touching her and I fought against the handcuffs. Olivia just started to cry. They were both laughing.

The guy who was touching her let his hand wandering down her body and started to stroke over her breasts. The other one ordered him to stop. He knelt down next to me and he said that I had to choose which one of them would have the pleasure of sleeping with her. Olivia was staring at me with wide, panicked eyes. He told me that I could choose between him, the other guy and myself. I spit into his face, he wiped it away, turned around and punched Olivia into the face. I screamed at him again. He said I lost the right to choose."

Elliot drew a deep breath. "He sat on Olivia's legs and started to open her pants. She fought him and screamed at him and then she started to beg him to stop. I fought to get to them, but I couldn't."

"Elliot, did he rape Olivia?"

"He raped her right in front of me. When I realized that I couldn't do anything to stop him, I started to talk to Olivia. I told her to look at me, I tried to be there for her. But she turned her head away, she couldn't look into my eyes while he was raping her."

"What happened next?"

"The other guy said that it was his turn. But the first one turned around and said, I could choose between him or me. Olivia turned around and looked at me and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want this bastard to touch her, but I couldn't rape her either. She said, 'Elliot, please help me!' I thought it would buy us time, so I said I would do it myself."

"They took my gun and held it to my head. They uncuffed me and forced me to lay on her. She looked me directly into my eyes and she said, 'It's okay, Elliot. Just please don't let them rape me again.'

"I did not know what to do. The guy who raped her came back with a cigarette. He ripped her blouse open and held it over her breast. He threatened to burn her. Olivia begged me, 'Elliot, just do it. It's okay, everything is okay; just do it.'

"But I couldn't get aroused, her eyes were so full of pain and she was so hurt. I just couldn't. He burned her with the cigarette; she was screaming and fighting. I could feel her struggle under me. And right then when she was in so much pain and screaming and fighting, I got aroused. How could that happen? She was hurt and crying and _I got aroused_? She begged me again to help her and I just did it."

"I raped her," Elliot said. "I raped Olivia."

Elliot was shaking and tears were streaming again. "How could I do this, how could I rape her?"

"Elliot, you know the fact that you became aroused was not a sign that you enjoyed her pain. Do you blame a female victim if she experiences an orgasm during rape? It was just a physical reaction; probably from Olivia's movement when she was struggling. Your body reacted to that. It wasn't your fault." George paused. "Elliot, what happened next?"

"The guy who burned her whispered into my ear. He said that he knew that I would enjoy it. He said he saw right away that this was in me and that I would enjoy it as much as he does. I tried to focus on Olivia, but she turned her head away. I begged her to look at me. She stopped crying and just stared at the basement wall."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Olivia sat on her couch, and stared at the wall. The TV was on, but she didn't recognize what show was running.

Her hair was still wet. When she came home from work she had showered; she always showered after work, but in the last 4 weeks, one time wasn't enough. It was about 4am now and she had showered 6 times that night. She could still feel his hands everywhere on her body.

On her breast was the scar from the burning cigarette and every time she accidentally caught sight of it, tears started to fill up her eyes.

After the incident in the basement she begged Elliot not to tell anyone, ever.

But now, 4 weeks later, she wasn't sure anymore if this was the right decision. Every time she talked a victim into reporting her rape, she felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world.

In these moments, she can feel Elliot's gaze on her and it almost kills her every time. The first time she talked to victims after her own rape, she wanted to tell them not to bother reporting it. She wanted to tell them that it is awful and unbearable to go through the rape kit, the interview, the whole investigation and the trial. But she did her job; she talked them into reporting and she helped them to get over it.

And every new victim brings her closer to her own breaking point.

Now she feels so weak; she just wants to sleep, but she can't. Every time she closes her eyes, she is back in that basement. She does not dream about the guy with the mask; in her dreams she is fighting against Elliot.

When she walked into the precinct that morning and saw him, she shivered and wanted to turn around and run away.

She knows he felt the same, because he can't look into her eyes anymore.

So now she is sitting in her apartment, wide awake in the middle of the night and completely alone. She thinks about her life, her own conception, her work and her future. And she wonders what reason she has to go on with her life. In the past it was always her job that helped her to go on when she felt like everything was too much. But her job isn't a good enough reason anymore, because she has never been closer to quitting then right now.

And suddenly she is thinking how easy it would be to just end it – to swallow her gun and let it be over. The thought of that option brings relief.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 5

"Elliot... Elliot...Elliot, can you hear me?" Huang tried to get Elliot's attention.

"Yeah," His reply was barely more than a weak whisper.

"Elliot, how the hell did Olivia talk you into not reporting this?"

"She said she couldn't handle it if everyone knew."

"Every victim says that. It's been your job for more than a decade to convince victims that their only chance to heal is to get help."

"You're right. I didn't do it for her, I did it for me. She said the rape kit would show my DNA and she said it would not only destroy my family, it would also destroy our partnership. They would never let us work together again. I wanted to convince myself that I did it for her, but the truth is, I was scared. Scared that I would lose everything." Elliot looked up and searched Huang's eyes. "Why did I dream that I was raping her again?"

"Like I said before, your brain uses dreams to try to process and handle what happened."

"No, I wasn't dreaming about the actual incident. It was different, we were alone, no one was around, and no one held a gun to my head. We were in the crib, I went there to wake her, 'cause we got a call. When I entered the room, I saw her sleeping in one of the beds and she was so beautiful. I just wanted to touch her. So I walked over and started stroking her face, she woke up and looked at me and asked what was wrong. I put my finger over her mouth to tell her to be silent. And then I got on top of her. She asked me to stop, but I didn't. She grabbed my wrists to stop me, but I managed to pry her hands off. I held her by the wrists and pinned her arms over her head. I saw the panic in her eyes, but I still didn't stop. Even when she begged me to stop, I didn't. I forced her to have sex with me. I opened her pants and spread her legs and then I thrust into her. She screamed in pain. But I just silenced her by putting my hand over her mouth. The feel of her struggling under me just made me getting more aroused."

Elliot looked at George and his voice was a terrified cry for help. "What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I dream of the worst moment of Olivia's and my life? How could I have dreamed that and actually enjoyed it?"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Olivia stood in front of her kitchen counter. She took her gun and went back to her couch, she sat down and curled herself into an embryo position. The gun was right in front of her, she was watching the gun and was thinking what the people in her life would feel when they find out that she had killed herself.

She saw Don shocked and furious. And Finn who would blame himself for not recognizing that something was wrong. And she saw Munch who would be shocked first and then mad at her for giving up. And finally she saw Elliot who would blame himself and she knew that he couldn't live with it. He would go insane, cause he would think that she killed herself because of the rape. She took the gun and held it in her hands, the gun never felt so heavy, she was always comfortable holding it, but this time she felt like it suddenly got a lot of weight out of nowhere.

She jumped when her doorbell was ringing, it was 5am and she couldn't imagine what was wrong, would it be a case then someone would have called her.

She went to the intercom.

"Hello?", she responded insecure.

"Olivia, it's George can I come up?"

Olivia leaned her head against the wall, the last one she wanted to see now was George, he would know immediately that something was wrong. And she started to wonder why he decided to visit her in the middle of the night. _Oh, god could have Elliot told George what happened?_

Olivia pressed the buzzer to let George in.

She went back to the couch to put her gun back on it's regular place, there was no need to make the situation worse then it already was and George would have put one and one together in a second.

She let George into her apartment and one look into his face told her that Elliot talked with him about the incident 4 weeks ago. Olivia placed herself on her couch and starred at the floor. George placed himself on the other side of the couch he managed to put as much physical distance between them as he could. For a few moments there was total silence in the room and neither of them started to speak. George was the one who gave up first.

"Olivia, Elliot came to me a few hours ago and told me what happened 4 weeks ago when you where following a lead in the Taylor case."

Tears started to run down her face. "He promised me not to tell anyone.", was her weak answer.

George looked at Olivia and fought the urge to pull her into his arms, it was a totally unprofessional behavior for a psychiatrist, but she was also his friend and he never saw her that weak and vulnerable before.

"You know that he couldn't keep this promise, he shouldn't had given it to you in the first place. Olivia, you have to talk to me about the rapes."

She flinched when she heard the word 'rapes'. _Oh, god Elliot told him the whole truth, how the hell could he do this._

Olivia looked up and right into George's eyes. It was the first time since he arrived and it took her almost more power then she had left. "Can we just pretend that nothing ever happened and go on like it was before?"

George felt so much compassion for his friend and his professional side hold a mental breath for a second when he realized how bad Olivia's mental condition was. She would never have said something like that when a little bit of the 'old, healthy, strong, cop' Olivia would be still inside of her.

"Olivia, you know that the only way to heal is, that you start talking about what happened. You have to stop to pretend that everything is alright, cause it isn't."

"When I tell anyone then everything will change, it will never be as it was before.", it was a last desperate plead to not make her talk about it.

George slid a little closer to her but stopped when he felt her tension. "You have to tell me what happened Olivia. It's the only way that it will be one day almost the same as it was before. Cause you already know that it never will be exactly the same as it was."

Olivia took a pillow from her couch and placed it across her lap she hugged it tight to herself. Then she started to talk, cause she remembered how close she was 10 minutes ago to take her own life, cause the overwhelming feelings needed a way out of her body. And by herself she thought _what do I have to lose, killing myself is an option I can keep in mind when talking doesn't work._

"When I woke up I recognized that we were in the basement Stephanie Taylor described to us. I turned my head and I saw Elliot he was cuffed to a pipe and I felt that I was cuffed too. I saw the men with the ski-masks and I knew immediately what they would do to me. I remembered the photos which were taken from Stephanie in the hospital and I was so scared. They came over and said that we had been too curious but that they were not too mad at us for the curiosity because now it would be their pleasure. One of the guys started to touch me everywhere and I just wanted to stop him. Elliot was screaming at him but they were just laughing." Olivia looked up and searched George's eyes. "There was nothing Elliot could have done to stop them. He tried but it only made it worse. They told him to choose which one could be the first to rape me."

"One of the guys sat on me and started to open my pants."

"Olivia, how did it happen that one of the guys with the masks raped you, you said they gave Elliot the opportunity to choose?"

"What?", Olivia looked at George in total confusion.

"You said, Elliot had to choose. Did he choose the guy with the mask?" George already knew the answer, but he wanted to know if this was one of the incidents during the whole trauma which was to much for Olivia's brain to handle.

"I don't remember.", Olivia suddenly seemed very desperate. "Really, I don't remember why he raped me." She threw the pillow away and stood up. She started nervously to walk through the living room. Then she turned around and stared at George, she almost screamed when she said: "I don't remember, why can't I remember?"

George stood up too, "It's okay, Olivia. It's not necessary to remember that. What happened when the guy sat on your lap?"

"He opened my pants, he spread my legs pushed his fingers into me and he said that he liked that I'm enjoying myself and then he raped me. I closed my eyes and I just wanted to be somewhere else. I heard Elliot talking to me, but I wished so much that he wouldn't be there so I pretended that he wasn't."

"Olivia, what happened after the guy with the ski-mask raped you?", George tried to lead her into talking about the time when Elliot raped her. But at this point he wasn't sure if she was ready to talk about Elliot raping her.

"They took Elliot's gun and hold it to his head. And they told him that it was his turn. He couldn't do it but I was scared that the other guy with the ski-mask would rape me and I begged him to do it." She was close to a breakdown and she couldn't stand anymore so she placed herself on the floor, the pillow was laying next to her and she took it again an hugged it close to herself.

"I begged Elliot to rape me.", she whispered. "I thought it wouldn't be as bad as being raped by one of the strange guys."

"But he still couldn't do it. Then one of the guys took a cigarette and burned my breast. It hurt so much and I started to fight against the cuffs and Elliot, and suddenly he got aroused and I could feel him sliding into me. I know that I begged him to do it, but it felt even worse than being raped from the guy with the ski-mask. It wasn't a physical pain, he tried to be very gentle, but I just wanted him to stop, it was so wrong." Olivia was sobbing now.

"Olivia, what happened then?", George asked gentle.

"They took a syringe and I thought they would kill us. They forced Elliot to get off of me and then they gave me the syringe and everything went black. When I woke up again we were still in the basement but they were gone. Elliot was cuffed to the pipe again, but I wasn't, so I could get the key to free him. I talked him into not reporting it and we left the basement. Elliot drove me home. We called Munch and told him that we were following a lead and that it would take the whole day."

"Olivia are you sure that this is what happened?", George's mind was running a thousand miles a second, when this was everything Olivia could remember then it was even worse than he thought.

"What do you mean?", Olivia asked.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

George tried to calm Elliot down. „Elliot, during this whole incident you were as much violated as Olivia was. You lost control about your own actions and that's exactly what rape is about. It's about control and the loss of the same. Your dream was about getting back the control of your own behavior, believe me that's all it was about."

Elliot was nodding. "You have to talk to Olivia, she really needs help. But before you leave to talk to her, I have to tell you what happened after he forced me to rape her."

George raised an eyebrow: "What do you mean?"

Elliot focused the floor and then he closed his eyes before he started to talk. "After he told me that he knew that I would enjoy it, he forced me to stand up, the other guy was still holding my gun to my head. The guy who raped her opened her cuffs, he grasped her hair and forced her to turn around to lay on her belly. He cuffed her hands behind her back and he started to stroke her, he put his hand between her butt cheeks, Olivia started to struggle against him she started to scream and to fight him, but he knelt onto her back to pin her on the ground. I was just standing there watching it with my gun to my head and I honestly didn't care anymore if he shoots me, my only thought was what Olivia has to go through when I'm dead. He suddenly stopped and looked at me, he stood up and put one foot onto Olivia's back to hold her down. He came really close and was only an inch from my face when he started laughing. I remembered that Stephanie Taylor told us that one of the guys was the leader and that he really had enjoyed seeing the other guy raping her.

He took Olivia's gun, hold it to her head and said 'You have exactly two seconds to lay onto her, or she is dead.'", Elliot stopped talking and gasped for air.

"George I didn't know what to do, I knew he would shoot her I was absolutely sure he would. So I laid onto her. Olivia tried to turn her head around and when she saw me she widened her eyes in panic. She started to beg me: "Please El, please don't do this, please!".

The guy started to laugh, he was still holding Olivia's gun to her head and he said: "Do it!"

Olivia started to fight against me and she begged me again and again not to do it. I can still hear her pleadings. "Elliot, please don't, please don't do this, please, please!"

Elliot looked up, tears were streaming again when he continued to speak. "I did it. I sodomized her, when I pushed myself into her she started to scream out of pain, she was bucking up and down and tried to get away from me and George she was screaming so loud. I was hurting her so much. The leader guy started to masturbate with one hand and with the other hand he was still holding the gun to her head. I was so scared that he would accidentally pull the trigger. When he was done he told me that I could stop too. Olivia wasn't responding anymore at this point she was just laying there and I thought she lost consciousness."

"How the hell could I let this happen?", Elliot started to pull his fist into the floor again and again until George grasped his hand and fixated it. "Don't Elliot, hurting yourself doesn't change anything."

"You have to talk to her, we never should have tried to cover it up. We're both working Special Victims Unit so long we should have known better than to try to cover it up.", Elliot slumped down.

"It's one thing to investigate rapes and it's another thing to be the victim of a rape.", George sighed.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

„Olivia, there was more. Don't you remember?", George asked.

"No, what do you mean?" Desperation appeared in Olivia's voice.

George wanted Olivia to remember. He didn't want to tell her what happened. It is really difficult for a victim of a crime to accept what happened when there are no own memories of the crime. The victims who can't remember the crimes no matter what reason led to this memory lost are always the victims who have the hardest time to heal, cause it is one thing to intellectual know what happened and another thing to actually feel what happened to them.

George could feel Olivia's desperation grow so he decided to try to lead her into the right memory.

"Olivia, tell me exactly what happened after Elliot raped you."

"I already told you what happened." Olivia responded annoyed.

"Please, tell me again.", George said.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "They gave me a syringe and I blacked out."

"How did the syringe look like?", George responded.

"What?", Olivia raised an eyebrow.

"Tell me how it looked." George was totally into therapist mode now.

"It looked like a normal syringe.", Olivia sighed.

"Was it a big one or a small one, was the liquid in it blue or green or was it clear like water?"

"It was a small one, George why the hell is it important if the syringe was big or small? Tell me what's going on?"

"Tell me Olivia was the liquid green or blue?", George asked again.

Olivia got really annoyed she stood up again and she got angry, she wanted to yell at George and she wanted him to leave. She just told him about the worst moment in her life and he was asking about a stupid liquid in a syringe. She was so tired she just wanted him to leave so that she could lay down and sleep, she felt more exhausted than ever before in her whole life and she wanted to close her eyes to get finally some rest.

But she knew George for a long time and when he wanted to know what the color of the damn liquid was then he would not give up on that. So she thought it would be easier to get him out of her apartment by telling him the damn color. She tried to remember, but there was nothing, it was like a black whole, there was nothing there.

She slowly sat back down on the floor. She turned her head around and gazed absently into George's face. "I don't know. I don't know what color the liquid had, I can't remember."

"Olivia what happened after Elliot raped you?", George asked carefully.

"I...I don't know. Really George, I don't know." Olivia got desperate again. She started to cry. "I don't know what happened after that, maybe I blacked out while he was raping me." She looked at George and her eyes were searching for his help to remember what happened.

George knew that he had to tell her, at least his therapist self knew, Olivia's friend just wanted to hug her and tell her that it didn't matter what happened after the moment which until now was the worst moment in her life. "Olivia, after Elliot raped you, one of the guys forced him to sodomize you."

Olivia looked at him in disbelief. "No, something like that never happened. I would remember happening that."

"Olivia..." "NO, I tell you that never happened." "Olivia." George tried to calm her down.

"NO, NO!" Olivia jumped up. "NO, I tell you he never did this."

"Olivia, listen to me."

Every hidden feeling from the last 4 weeks broke through her in this moment she jumped at George and tried to strangle him, she wasn't herself anymore, she just wanted everything to be over, she didn't want to listen to him anymore or see him and she didn't want him in her apartment anymore.

Elliot could hear Olivia scream and he could hear her yell at George and finally he could hear a sound which appeared to him like someone is gasping for air. Elliot was waiting outside of Olivia's apartment cause George thought it would be better he would not be around when he confronted Olivia with the rape. But he couldn't let George go alone to Olivia's apartment so they consented that Elliot would wait outside.

He knocked down the door to get inside and when he was inside his cop instincts jumped in. He saw George laying on the floor with Olivia on top of him trying to strangle him. He grasped Olivia from behind at her waist and pulled her off of George. She was fighting against him and she was trying to hit and bit him. George jumped up and told Elliot to be careful. Elliot tried to calm Olivia down but she was out of her mind. Elliot turned around so that he was standing in front of the couch. Olivia was still fighting and flailed around. So Elliot saw no other chance to get her under control then to bury Olivia under himself on the couch and it seemed as it would work. Olivia stopped fighting and screaming instantly. But then George started to yell at him. "No, Elliot no, get off of her, NOW!"

Elliot jumped off. Olivia turned around and stared with panicked eyes at Elliot.

"No, please don't, please don't!" First Elliot wasn't sure if it were the pleadings from his nightmares or if Olivia was actually pleading him again not to hurt her. He felt sick and he thought he had to puke.

Right when he thought that he had his stomach back under control he heard Olivia begging: "No, please don't. Please, don't. I'm gonna behave. I swear, I'm gonna behave. Please, I do what you want, I do everything you want. Please?"

Elliot's and George's eyes met and then Elliot vomited on the floor.

**Note: Well, I just read a story where the author promised to put the next chapter on when there are 10 new reviews posted.**

**I think that's a great idea, cause when you put up a story every review is very, very welcome.**

**So I think I limit it to three, when there are three new reviews on. I will put up the next chapter. **

**So, if you want to read more please review!;o)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Note: Hi, thanks for the reviews and the story and author alerts. This is a short one, cause I promised to update after three new reviews. But I have a lot to do at work right now, so I couldn't do a longer one. I hope you'll enjoy.**

George was absolutely sure that this was a nightmare, he had such dreams before when they had a tough case. He knows methods to wake himself up from a scary nightmare, he pinched himself into his arm but nothing happened.

He still heard Olivia's whimpers and he could smell Elliot's vomit. He didn't know what to do first. How the hell did he get into this situation? A few hours before his world was perfect, he was sleeping next to the man he loves and everything was fine.

This must how victims of a crime feel, helpless and overwhelmed and they just think – why me? From a professional point of view he knows all this, but he never felt it for himself before.

He tried to organize his thoughts. First I have to calm Liv down, Elliot has to wait.

He walked slowly to the couch where Olivia cowered, she held her legs close to her chest and teetered back and forth. He knelt before her and started quietly to talk to her.

"Liv, can you here me?"

Olivia didn't respond.

"Olivia, look at me.", he touched her arm carefully but she flinched and groaned as he had burned her.

He stood up and walked to the kitchen counter where he had left his doctor's bag. Elliot was in the kitchen he was searching for a bucket and a rag. Tears were still streaming down his face.

"Elliot, Olivia is in shock I have to give her something to calm her down and we have to bring her to a hospital."

"No George, we can't do this, she doesn't want to go to the hospital she hates hospitals and she does not want the others to know. When we bring her into a hospital then everyone will know." Elliot got a little of his strength back, he was absolutely sure that he would protect her, he failed ones he would not fail again.

"Elliot, she really needs help she has a serious form of PTSD we need to bring her to a hospital."

Elliot made a step to close the distance between George and himself. He was only inches from George's face. "You're not gonna take her to the hospital do you understand me?"

George sighed: "Okay, okay I have to give her something to calm her down she has an enormous lack of sleep, her brain needs to rest."

Elliot gazed to the couch were Olivia was still teetering back and forth and he could here her whimpers.

"Okay, do you need my help."

George who was also looking at Olivia turned his head and met Elliot's eyes. "I hope not", was everything he was able to say.

He took a syringe and filled it with benzodiazepine. He walked back to the couch and knelt next to Olivia.

"Olivia, I give you something so that you can rest a little bit, okay? You need to sleep you're very exhausted.", George spoke very calm and slowly so she wouldn't be scared of him.

But Olivia stared wide-eyed at the syringe in George's hand.

"Please don't, I do everything you want you don't have to drug me, please, please don't drug me.", was Olivia's weak responding.

George sighed and gazed to Elliot who was still standing in the kitchen. "Olivia, I'm not going to hurt you, I swear. I just wanna help you to rest a little and I promise nothing will happen to you." Olivia turned her head and her eyes met with George's and for a second he thought he saw recognition in them, but then Olivia said: "I give you a blow job, you don't have to drug me. I don't fight, I swear."

George heard Elliot who took a deep breath and sighed so deeply that George thought he would throw up again. He took a step closer to the couch but George motioned him to stop.

"Olivia, look at me. It's me George. I'm not gonna hurt you, I swear. I just wanna help you."

He touched her arm, she started to cry. "Please, don't drug me I told you I do what you want." George wasn't sure if it was worse to let her stay in this condition or to give her the syringe by force. His profession forbids him to give her the medicament by force and she wasn't a thread to herself or to anyone else. But she was so far gone that he was scared that she would get serious psychological problems if he wasn't able to help her rest.

He decided to end it quickly as longer as it would take as longer she would suffer. He took her arm. "I'm sorry Liv, but you gonna feel better when you wake up, I promise." But Olivia's surviving skills were still active she pushed George away and tried to get up. But she couldn't, someone was holding her down, she tried to turn her head.

Elliot couldn't remember if he had ever cried so much in his whole life. But he couldn't stop the tears when he stepped to the couch to hold Olivia down, so George could give her the syringe.

When Olivia saw that it was Elliot who held her down she started to scream.

George took her arm again and gave her the syringe he talked quietly to her to calm her. "Everything will be fine Liv, we're not going to hurt you, I promise. You will just sleep a while, just close you're eyes. "

Olivia's movements were slower now and Elliot knelt down and pulled her into his chest. "Liv, I swear I'm gonna protect you, nobody will hurt you I promise."

Before Olivia finally closed her eyes her fists clenched on to Elliot's shirt and the last words she said were: "Elliot, please help me!"

**Note: Please review, 5 new reviews and I promise the next chapter will be on!;o)**


	9. Chapter 9

Olivia's body went limp and Elliot pulled her completely into his arms. He lifted her up and carried her into her bedroom. George followed him, he pulled the blanket back and Elliot laid her down carefully. He took the blanket and arranged it so tentatively around her that George couldn't help himself than smiling at the scene.

When he was done Elliot turned around and gazed at George. They went outside and Elliot finished to clean up his vomit. He didn't say something, his eyes were focused on his hands. George sat down on the couch and watched Elliot, he gave him the time to do something practical, sometimes that helps to get out the tension.

When Elliot was done he sat down on the couch and waited for George to start speaking.

She couldn't believe that this was happening. Elliot was on top of her and the guy with ski-mask was holding a cigaret about her breast. She felt a huge pain when he pressed the cigaret onto her sensitive skin. She started to scream, she didn't want to but she couldn't help herself, it hurt so much.

She started to fight against Elliot and against the pain. She was so angry, why did he do this? Why did he nothing to help her, he didn't stop the guy, he was just watching how this guy burned her. He could have helped her, when he would have done what the guy wanted when she had begged him. Then the guy wouldn't have burned her.

She felt Elliot's aroused penis at her entry and she got even angrier. Now, when she started to fight he got aroused, was this what he was waiting for? And then it happened, she felt Elliot thrusting into her, she was already sore from when the guy with ski-mask raped her and it hurt as much as the first rape. She tried to close her eyes but she knew it was him, she could smell his aftershave and she felt his body and knew it was his. They were working together for more than ten years and she knew every inch of his body. She wanted him to get off, it wasn't supposed to be like this. When she fantasized about being with Elliot it was always very soft with a lot of temper in it, cause she saw Elliot's anger very often and she knew he would show it in bed, but she was also very sure that he was totally soft in bed too. But know it was just full of pain and she wanted him to stop.

From far away she could here how the guy with the ski-mask was talking to Elliot, she didn't get what he was saying and she hadn't realized that Elliot had stopped and pulled out of her.

Suddenly the guy turned her around and knelt onto her, he started to stroke her ass, now she was scared to death, she remembered that Stephanie Taylor was sodomized and she knew what was coming next. She never had anal intercourse. There were a few boyfriends in the past who had asked her to do it but she always knew that she wouldn't like it. She felt how the guy was entering her with his finger and she started to scream and there was another scream too. It was Elliot, he was screaming louder then she did and then everything stopped. The pain, the screams, in her mind even the earth stood still. They guy had just said that he wanted Elliot to take her from behind. He was holding her gun to her head and she wished he would just shoot her. She couldn't live through that, she didn't want to go on with her life when Elliot would sodomize her.

She turned her head and saw how Elliot was laying onto her, she wanted to tell him to stop but she couldn't, she wanted to tell him that it was okay when the guy shoots her but she couldn't open her mouth. And then she felt an unbelievably strong pain when Elliot entered her from behind. She screamed for her life and she struggled as much as she could being pinned down on her belly and she knew she could never forgive Elliot for doing this.

Then everything went black.


	10. Chapter 10

Olivia woke up screaming, for a few seconds she was disoriented, it was dark in the room and she thought she was back in the basement. She was laying in a bed and she recognized it as her own. She took two deep breaths and calmed herself down, everything was fine nobody was here who would hurt her.

The panic came back when she felt a touch on her leg, so she turned around fast and searched for the light switch, when the light was on, she saw that no one was there.

There was someone talking and she recognized Elliot's voice. She stood up and went to her bedroom door, right when she wanted to open it she could here that Elliot was sobbing and she left the door closed and laid her head against it so that she could here what Elliot was talking about. For a second she got a bad conscience cause she was listening to a private conversation but then she thought – he fucking raped me, I own him nothing.

So she just listened to the conversation.

"She will never get over it and it's my fault, I broke her." Elliot was sobbing and George tried again to soothe him.

"Elliot, she is in shock cause she didn't get the treatment she had needed after what happened in the basement but she will get over it when she is going to get the help she needs."

"So what will happen next?", Elliot sighed.

"We have to bring her into a hospital cause right now it isn't enough …." "No, I don't need any help and I will not go into a hospital.", Olivia stormed into the living room.

George was raising an eyebrow, the remedy he gave her was supposed to knock her out much longer, she must be full of adrenalin when she is awake already.

"Liv,...", Elliot tried to talk to her.

"No, you have no right to talk to me, you raped me, you did nothing to help me, you just raped me and now you can't even look into my eyes.", Olivia was screaming at Elliot.

Elliot's mouth fell open, he couldn't believe what he just heard, she really blamed him, he knew it all the time. She told him that it was okay, that she knew that he had no choice and that he had to do it to save their lives but it was a lie, she really blamed him for raping her. He sat down on the couch and buried his head in his hands. He couldn't do this any second longer, it was enough, he was done.

Olivia made two steps into the direction of the couch but suddenly her side went blurry and she couldn't focus the couch anymore, she took two more steps and started to lurch.

"Olivia, are you okay?", George made a few steps to get to Olivia. Elliot looked up when he heard the worried tone in George's voice. Just when George stepped in front of Olivia she fell over and collapsed into his arms. Elliot jumped up and walked around the couch to help George holding her. "What the hell happened? Why did she collapse?", Elliot asked scared.

It is the benzodiazepine I gave her, the dose was much to high for her being awake already, she must have woken up because of a nightmare and now her adrenalin level is back to normal and the benzodiazepine is taking place again.

"I take her!", Elliot insisted. "Elliot maybe..." "NO, I take her!" "Okay, we take her back into her bed." After Elliot laid her down again he turned around and said: "Are you sure she is okay?"

"No Elliot she is not okay, she needs to be in a hospital.", George sighed. He just made a decision, it went much to far, he had to act as a doctor again and not as a friend of Elliot and Olivia. "I'm gonna call an ambulance now.", he turned around to take is cell phone. "No, you can't do this you promised me not to tell anyone.", Elliot screamed angrily.

George turned around and screamed back: "Yeah, and I should have never promised that. I'm to close to you two and I acted as your friend and for Olivia's sake I have to act as a doctor again. I don't care what I promised you, she needs help now and from now on I'm doing everything in my power to help her."

He went out and called and ambulance. Elliot stayed back and didn't know what to do. After a few minutes which seemed as an eternity he sat down on the edge of Olivia's bed. He took her hand and started to stroke it carefully. "I'm so sorry Liv. I'm so sorry.", he whispered.


	11. Chapter 11

He took his toothbrush and put the toothpaste onto it, exactly at the moment when he had started to brush his front teeth his cell phone was ringing. He hated that, he took a sip of water and spit it out. He got angry, he wasn't even able to brush his teeth in the morning without being disturbed. He began to hate his job and for a second he blamed the damn next victim who couldn't wait until he had finished his morning toilet. Three ours later when he already knew that this day was the worst day of his life and that life would never be the same again, he wished himself back to this 2 minutes of tooth brushing and he wished he could have back the feeling that besides the normal annoyances of life, everything was alright.

He took a last look into the mirror and watched his deep wrinkles and his bald head then he turned around and picked up his still ringing cell phone.

"Captain Cragen, what can I do for you Dr. Huang?"

When he hang up he looked back into the mirror and he was sure that he had aged ten years in the last three minutes.

_45 minutes before_

Elliot was still stroking Olivia's hand when the paramedics came in. George had told them outside what medication he gave her and why. One of the paramedics came closer to the bed and started to feel Olivia's pulse. Elliot tensed and gave the paramedic a sharp look, he couldn't stand to see Olivia being touched from a strange man. "Elliot, Elliot you have to let them do their job.", George came closer to the bed when he saw that Elliot almost couldn't hold himself together anymore.

When the paramedics had finished to take Olivia's vital signs, on of the guys pulled back the blanket to lay Olivia onto the stretcher. Suddenly Elliot jumped around the bed, he threw the guy standing closer to Olivia against the wall and tried to strangle him, he was totally out of his mind and started to scream.

"I'm not gonna let you touch her, do you hear me! This time you have to kill me. You're only going to rape her over my dead body."

George and the other paramedic tried to get Elliot off, but he was to strong. George ordered the guy to get a syringe with benzodiazepine. He somehow managed to inject the medicament into Elliot's right upper arm and finally they were able to pull him off.

Elliot collapsed onto the floor.

They called another bus and George was relieved when they had arrived at the hospital. He really started to doubt his qualification, he not only failed to make the right decision for Olivia, he also didn't recognize how bad Elliot's condition was. When he made sure that both detectives were in good hands he went out to call Cragen. It was 7:30 in the morning and he already felt as tired as he had a pulled a whole work day.

Cragen walked down the hospital aisle as he did before so many times that he lost track of it but this time everything was different. When he saw Huang he lost the last bit of hope that everything was just a mistake.

"Hey, how are they?" "They are both unconscious right now, I had to put them under medication.", George explained.

"So tell me exactly what happened."

"Let's sit down.", George walked over to the waiting area and let himself fall into the closest chair. Cragen walked after him and his mind went from being worried to panicking, he never saw George so distracted.

Cragen took the chair next to Huang and waited for him to start speaking.

"Four weeks ago Elliot and Olivia got into a situation were Elliot was forced to watch Olivia being raped and after that he was forced to rape her himself to save their lives."

Cragen closed his eyes and tried to process what he just heard, he said nothing and after a while George turned his head to search Cragen's face. He was still sitting there with closed eyes and a single tear was running down his face.


	12. Chapter 12

Olivia opened her eyes and closed them again, the light was to bright. Her whole body was sore and she wasn't quite sure where she was and what was going on. She thought about falling asleep again but then she felt a touch on her right thigh and she remembered where she was and what just happened. Elliot was forced to sodomize her after the guy with the ski-mask had raped her. She jumped up and started to scream.

"No, no please stop! Please stop touching me, please stop touching me." She started to fight, she flailed around and tried to hit the guy holding her. She panicked, she couldn't go trough this again, there was no way that she would survive being violated again. She fought stronger and managed to hit the guy into his face, he moaned and for a second he stopped holding her but then someone else grasped her. And the other guy came back, they both were holding her down now and she just wanted to die.

"No, please don't, please don't.", she sobbed.

"Olivia, Olivia it's okay. It's me, Cragen. No one is going to hurt you, do you hear me? You're save here, you're in the hospital. It's just George and me and we're not going to hurt you. Everything is alright."

She wasn't sure if this was real or if her brain was fouling her but she just wanted to believe him. She stopped fighting and tried to look into the face of the guy pressing her onto the bed and it really was Cragen.

"Captain!", she cried.

"It's okay Liv, it's me. His iron grip went lighter and she tried to breath slowly. He stopped holding her and stepped back. "Everything is alright you're not in danger, okay?"

"I'm sorry Captain I thought...", she couldn't tell him what she was thinking.

"It's okay. It was my fault. I should have never touched you. I'm so sorry.", Cragen whispered. He was embarrassed that he acted as an civilian would do.

_30minutes before_

After George told him what happened he wanted to see his detectives. George brought him to Olivia's room. It was unbelievable how vulnerable she looked. In the last 10 years there were a lot of different things he thought about Olivia, he saw her good sides and her bad sides, although there are not a lot bad ones. But he never looked at her and thought of her as vulnerable, she was the strongest person he ever met. But when he saw her face now she had the same expression on it as every victim has, although she was sleeping pain and fear was written all over her face. And he couldn't stop asking himself. Why she? She had been through so much in her life, why was she the one who had to suffer so much and he was asking himself if this would be the straw to break the camel's back. He really was scared that this was the final thing who would break Olivia Benson.

He stepped closer to her bed and when he saw that she had opened her eyes. He softly touched her and talked to her, he wanted her to know that he was here and that she wasn't alone.

But she tore her eyes open and started to scream, she flailed around and George was screaming at him to hold her so that she couldn't hurt herself. He tried to sooth her but she managed to punch him into his face and he had to stop holding her. How could he have been so stupid to touch her, was he out of his mind. She was a rape victim and he just touched her during she was waking up. He could have kicked himself.

He helped George to fixate her and she started to beg, she really begged him to stop touching her. What the hell happened at this basement and how the hell could his two detectives manage to keep it a secret from him and all their friends for more than 4 weeks.


	13. Chapter 13

Olivia tried to calm herself down, it was her Captain, it was Craigen who held her, everything was alright nobody would hurt her. ¨I`m okay, I`m okay.¨, she said trying to show George and Craigen that she was awake and that she wasn`t panicing anymore.

She felt how Craigen loosened his grip around her arms and stepped back from the bed. George stepped also back and looked at her carefully.

She sat up and stared at the blanket. She couldn`t look into Craigens eyes, it wasn`t her guilty conscience - that they never told anyone what happened. It was what she feared from the beginning. She couldn`t bear that he sees her as a victim, hurt and desperate.

Before someone broke the silence she heard that the door was opened and for a second she was relieved cause she was so scared what Craigen would say to her. She looked up and saw a female doctor, she didn`t recoginse her but due to the condition she was in when she was brought to the hospital this wasn`t very surprising.

¨Hello, I`m Dr. Gates and I need to speak with Ms. Benson please.¨ That sounded serious and Olivia felt getting sick. There was propaply something wrong with the rape kit or one of the tests came back positive. George and Craigen apologized themsselves and Dr. Gates stepped closer to the bed.

¨Ms. Benson, I examined you when you were brought in. I know you were unconscious but since you`re awake now I have to talk to you about how we go on with your treatment. Are you feeling well enough to do that?¨

Olivia just nodded and waited for her to go on. Her mouth was so dry that she wasn`t able to say anything at all.

¨Ms. Benson, you are pregnant and as we know was the assault about four weeks ago, is that right? Olivia nodded, she was still trying to understand what was just said.

¨Okay, that goes along with the size of the fetus you are carrying. Have you been pregnant before the assault or is it possible that that your pregnancy is not related to the rape?¨

Olivia, felt a tear running down her face. She was pregnant and the child was conceived during rape. Suddenly she had the song ¨Circle of life¨ from Elton John in her head and she wanted to laugh. While she was trying to listen to Dr. Gates she tried to hold herself together and not starting to laugh out loud. This can`t be true, this must be a dream. Right, she is having a nightmare, she had them before especially when she started at SVU.

¨Ms. Benson! Ms. Benson!, do you understand what I just said?¨

Olivia tried to focus again. ¨Yes, I understad what you said. I was raped and now I`m pregnant.¨, she started to get pissed. This doctor was annyoing her and she wanted her to leave.

¨Okay, we`re gonna set an appointment for the abortion this afternoon¨.

¨What?¨, Olivia responded shocked.

¨We can do the abortion this afternoon if you want to?¨, Dr. Gates repeated.

Olivia was shocked about the behaviour of this doctor. How could she talk to her like that?

¨ I need to think about that I... I... don`t know yet if I want to have an abortion, there are other options too, right?

¨Sure there are other options but to be honest the most of the women want the problem just to be gone.¨

¨ I`m not just any woman and to be honest right now I feel pressured into doing something I`m not sure I want to do and I`m a grown up woman and I think you should reconsider how you deal with such supject matters and now I want another doctor please.¨, Olivia responded angry.

While she was watching Dr. Gates leaving she felt better than in the last few hours, she was in cop mode and she was angry. She was just thinking where she needed to file a complain about Dr. Gates when it suddenly hit her.

She is pregnant and the father is either a cruel, violent rapist or ELLIOT!


	14. Chapter 14

The door was pushed open and Craigen and George came back into the room and suddenly Olivia couldn`t lie anymore, it was enough. The last four weeks, her whole life, there were so many lies that she couldn`t count them anymore. Her conception, her drunk mother her whole childhood was a lie and it didn`t change since she was an adult. How often did she lie to Elliot about a guy she was dating. She looked into the faces of her two colleagues and said: ¨ I`m pregnant.¨

And then something inside her just broke. She started to cry and to laugh at the same time. This wasn`t possible, how did she end up like this, she couldn`t believe it. From far away she heard herself screaming and she could feel how her throat started to burn so it wasn`t a dream, she was actually screaming out loud but she couldn`t stopp it. She clinched into the blanket and she wanted to hit something, anything, no matter what, she needed to do something to get the pain and the pressure and the fear out of her body.

¨ Olivia!¨ George was trying to get her attention but Olivia was just screaming. He tried to process what she just said but he had to take care of Olivia first. The door was torn open and a nurse came in and left instantly to look for a doctor. But Geoge was sure that Olivia wouldn`t want to be calmed down with medicine when she is pregnant. His brain was running what could he do, he needed to do something, anyhing.

Craigen set on the edge of the bed and took Olivia`s face into his hands. He looked deep into her eyes and said:

¨Olivia, listen to me. Everything will be fine, you`re not alone. Okay? You`re not alone I`m here, I`m here.¨ and then he pulled her to his chest and hugged her tight, something he wanted to do for years but he never did it cause it would have been inappropriate, but this didn`t matter anymore.

He didn`t know how long he was sitting like this, with Olivia crying at his chest but he felt her leaning into the hug and closing her arms around him and she hold him so tight that he had trouble to breathe.

And slowly her sobs weren`t so intense anymore and he felt how she calmed down. She was still crying but she wasn`t screaming anymore and he could feel how exhaustion took over her body.

The nurse came back in with a doctor following her, but George send them back out.

After a while he could feel Olivia breathing steady at his chest and George stepped closer and whispered. ¨ She fell asleep.¨

George helped him to lay her onto the bed and then he set into a chair next to her bed and hold her hand.

¨ I stay with her, could you please go and take care of Elliot?¨, Craigen said to George. George nodded and left the room to look for his other friend. While he was on his way to Elliot`s room he felt tears running down his face. This didn`t happen for a long time cause normally he is a professional but he felt so overwhelmed and sad and exhausted. He stopped and called Mark.

¨Can you please tell me that everything will be alright?¨

¨Everything will be alright.¨ Mark responded immediatley

¨ I`m afraid it will not, but thanks for beeing there for me.¨

After the call he walked into Elliot`s room and found Elliot fighting with the nurse about leaving the hospital and his look at his watch told him that it was 10 a.m.. Great, this day had just started.

**Hi, thanks for reading I hope you enjoy. What do you want? Shall Elliot be Olivia`s babys Dad? 10 reviews and the next chapter will be on.**


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